Life in the Times of Coronavirus: Lockdown Day 20

Suited up to go grocery shopping on the first full day of the lockdown.

Life, in most cases, will test all of your relationships sooner or later. Marriages, friendships, perhaps even familial ties – these will all be subject to the trials and tribulations that seemingly go hand in hand with our very existence. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, problems with a spouse/partner, unexpected difficulties, or one of the many financial woes that one can fall victim to, it seems quite probable that you will one day see the true mettle of your relationships. Nearly three weeks into our government-enforced lockdown in Spain (and who knows how many weeks we have left), I’ve been thinking about how my relationship with my husband has shifted and evolved since the coronavirus pandemic interrupted our lives.

After being together for nearly eight years, Franky has seen sides of me that few people have. He’s seen me boiling with fury, crying without any consolation; he’s seen me on the peaks of joy and in the pits of despair. He consoled me when I lost my aunt and grandmother last year, and knows that I’ll mope around for a couple of days after coming home from Los Angeles. And, Franky knows when I’m upset. When I’m lost in thought and I stare into space, as if solving a complex mathematical equation, he knows that it’s his cue to ask me what’s wrong. Avoiding eye contact, monosyllabic responses, a seemingly newfound kinship with the cat means I’m in a sour mood and would much rather be left alone. Trembling lower lip and a reluctance to speak mean that I’m liable to burst into tears at any moment (yes, I’m a crier). So today, when I made the mistake of switching on the news (more than 110,000 people infected in Spain as of today, 20,000 of whom are in Catalonia; the cases in our town now surpass 200) and felt that terrible overwhelming sensation wash over me again, he knew that I just needed some reassurance, and a hug.

This got me thinking not only about how fortunate I am to be with someone that is supportive and caring, but also made me think about how we’ve been changing ever since this all went down. Franky has always been affectionate (cariñoso, as they say in Spanish), but now he seems to be especially sensitive to when I might need comfort. I’ve noticed that he’s also more sensitive to the needs and problems of those around him generally, too. I remember birthdays, anniversaries, and little seemingly insignificant details of someone’s life; he now seems to be more aware of the people around him and how important they are to his life. This, I’m sure, is a result of the pandemic.   

Perhaps this is because three weeks really does feel like three months. The cliché, however tired, feels apt. Indeed, so much has happened – Franky got temporarily laid off, his mother contracted what was probably COVID-19, social isolation – that we had no choice but to respond accordingly to each new crisis.

The biggest problem we faced so far has been figuring out how to care for his mother. (She’s much better now after being on medicine for the better part of a week to treat her pneumonia.) Because of the ongoing health crisis, hospitals here are also reaching their maximum capacity and there is not that much medical staff that is available to see patients.

When we called the emergency services again last Friday to again ask for someone to come see his mother, the nurse on the other end told us that that she’d send someone as soon as they were available. When a doctor called a couple of hours later, she said that if María was that ill, we could bring her ourselves to the medical center which is about a mile from our home.

This, of course, posed a series of other questions. First, his mother was ill, but how ill was she? Was she strong enough to walk on her own, or would we need to carry her to the car somehow? And, of course, there was the question of infection. At that point, the doctor was “pretty sure” but not “definitely sure” that Franky’s mother had COVID-19. (Tests are very scarce.) How were we supposed to take care of someone we love without putting our health at risk too? Then what would we do?

I said all of this out loud to Franky while he was on hold with yet another medical service to see if he could get a hold of a doctor.

If we have to take that risk, we have to do it, he said to me, cradling the phone against his ear.

I didn’t respond. I know, cariño, but we have to think things through first –

It’s my mom, I’ll do whatever I have to.

As well you should, I began, but we also have to consider –

It’s my mom, Franky repeated. End of story.

Luckily, the doctor wound up coming to her house that night and was able to treat her pneumonia, so we didn’t need to take her anywhere. That night, though, I remember feeling angry for a moment at what was (from my perspective) a clear lack of foresight. And this was, of course, followed by a wave of guilt as I understood not only where he was coming from, but confess that I’d go to the same lengths if the roles were inversed. We managed to talk things over quickly and efficiently while staying calm and managing to stay focused on the problem at hand without becoming excessively nervous. We slept three hours that night and tired as we were, I felt closer to him than ever, having weathered a complicated situation calmly.

I, too, have changed in my relationship to him. I am glad to have him by my side because not only does he comfort me, but he balances me as well. Where I am a planner who always has to be in control, he plays things by ears and takes things one day at a time. I am (mostly) organized and write long to-do lists; he keeps mental tabs of his obligations and has trouble finding most anything in his office. And, during the crisis, I was worrying constantly about rationing supplies and the endless stalk of the coronavirus; he worried too, but kept the faith, knowing that one way or another we’d be alright. I’m learning to let go a little, to trust more, and though it’s hard for me, being able to grow in this way with someone else is proving to be rewarding in ways I’d never imagined.

This situation is painful on so many levels, but I hang on to small epiphanies like this, thoughts that remind me to slow down and listen to what the universe is telling me. Today, it was about valuing those around us even more. As I’ve said a few times before, sometimes it really does take a crisis of this magnitude for you to reinvent your life, and the relationships that populate it. Because, after all, what do we all have except for each other?